Okay, nobody bite my head off, I know I haven't written in a while. I just haven't been motivated. But I've decided to write about some things, even if I don't know what they are yet. It's just that nothing noteworthy has taken place in my life recently... it't been very... shall we say: mundane??
  But first off, I want to give a shout out to my cousin! It's moose's birthday and I love her SO much!!! We've been best friends since before I can remember. Happy birthday, luv!! You are amazing!
  So, I got a job interview at a local photohaus/deli/espresso bar. They are supposed to be calling me today, and I'm on pins and needles waiting for news! I've been praying like crazy for this job. I know I'd love what I'd be doing, which is waitress and barista work, and it's almost full time, 30-35 hours a week! It's hard to find enough work these days! But the interview went really good, it seems like I made a very good impression and I think I sold myself with plenty of confidence, so we'll see.
  I haven't felt like telling all of you who read my blog this, mostly because it hurt my pride and I was kinda bummed about it, but the nice guy I met is no longer coming around. He felt like a was too much of a distraction and he needed to get some stuff straight in his life before he moved into a relationship. Which is understandable, but still unpleasant. For a man his age he was a little immature, so I guess it was for the best, and he'll be great someday when he's matured, but I'll admit I was a little bummed. But I know it must not have been in God's plan for me, and whatever he's got cookin' it's gonna be good, so I was only sad a little bit, and I missed him a little bit but it wasn't devastating or anything. I'm just looking forward to whatever God has for me up the road. It's like Francesca Battistelli's song "Unpredictable." I can never know what God's gonna do next, but I trust him!
  Speaking of muuuuusic! I have the names of a couple bands that you all MUST go look up, listen to, and fall in love with. Right now!!! Okay, the first one is a singer named Marshall Mclean. This man has amazing talent, his voice is beautiful!! His music is deep and insightful, and it's just all out good stuff. Find him on Facebook, he lives in Spokane, WA. Mr. Mike introduced me to him. It's wonderful stuff.
  The second is The Wombats. You want music to get crazy to? This is the stuff! It's just happy, and the singer's voice is all British, very hawt. It's party music.
Thirdly, but not lastly, is Vampire Weekend. I'd label it somewhere between preppy and boho, it's just amazing. Very happy music. The singer's voice is incredible, and his range, IMPRESSIVE, VERY IMPRESSIVE! Have to check out this band. You just can't go wrong with these guys.
 And fourthly, and lastly... (I saved the best for last, y'all) NATALIE PORTMAN'S SHAVED HEAD. Wow. What words to describe the sheer amazingness of this band? How about totally punk? Absolute genius? Or, would "Best Band in the WORLD?!" It still doesn't do it justice. Just listen. And love.

Alright, moving on from the subject of music (it's hard to tear yourself away, I know, but you should be listening to the bands I just gave you as you read this, so it'll get better. And you ARE listening, right??)
I wrote some more poetry. I've been experimenting with the shorter, more strict forms of poetry. And I really like it. It's like you have to fit this entire mural onto a canvas sheet the size of your hand. It's condensed, it hits you harder, it's more rich, vivid. You should try it. Here are some of my creation:

Voice warbles, tips,

Wanders-dips-rasps

But continues because I like it.

It's sad to 

Say 'bye when someone

Quits your life.

Miles only span

'Cross town but feel like the

Berlin Wall

Brown ant sprints-

Terrain miniscule

To me, it's mountains to him.

Thank you, thank you, no, really, you clap too much. Please, it's too much!

There is Something to Be Said for Unlimited Texting...

  Can I just say that I really like where I am in life? I really do. Sure, there's things I am impatient for, and things that aren't as easy as I wish, and I really wish I had a job... but God is just really working in my life. I can see Him everywhere, and I can't be more grateful to Him for loving me so much that He is active in my life. And whether He is giving or taking away... telling me yes or no, I know that He is creating something beautiful out of my life... that He's in control, that He has the big picture.
  My pastor once said that we are God's work of art, that we are like His poetry or His painting. That struck a chord in me, I understood what he was saying, because I love to create poetry, I love the feel of the words coming together like beads on a necklace, creating something that draws the eye and is beautiful. I have a special affection for my creations... the pictures I make with the words. And so how much more must God feel for us... His creations... His works of art.
  I can know that in my life, I will follow where God leads me, that where He wants me is the only place I want to be, because that is where my heart is... where He is. I am just so thankful that He has brought me to this place, because I never could have gotten there on my own. He truly is the air I need to breathe.
  So, on another note, things are still going good between this guy and I. We are keeping things friendly until a certain birthday occurs. I appreciate his willingness to wait and to do things right. He's respectful of me and I appreciate that. I look forward to what God has for us in the future.
  To close, here is a poem I wrote the other day:

You Can Shape the Silence with Your Hands

 

You can shape the silence with your hands

Into whatever you want it to be

And you can change the words around  

To fit your meaning-

Or lack thereof-

Behind your eyes;

Watch out, the emptiness you cling to

Is your disguise.

And words, what more are they

Than empty, antiquated ships?

Unless you breathe life into them

Then it's "nothing" that you say.

And love, it doesn't last,

Forever's no longer forever,

And forever was broken in half

By the way hearts don't want to beat

And be who they

Were made to be. 

More About a Certain Young Man...

Okay, I didn't have much time to post about this guy I told you about last time, so I'll go into a bit more detail here.
I met this guy at swing dance and instantly noticed him because he's really cute! His older brother's girlfriend asked me to teach him to dance and he ended up asking me to dance nearly every dance that night, which would have weirded me out, but he was just so nice! And we ended up talking quite a bit and I found out he loved the Lord and was super smart along with really cute, so I was kinda getting a crush. He asked if I wanted to get coffee sometime and so we did, and we've been talking and hanging out ever since. So far I've seen that he's kind, and good with kids, gets along with my family, has real musical talent, his guitar skills are crazy and he has a beautiful voice. The first time he began to sing I quite literally started and my stomach flipped around, it was beautiful, and I didn't know such a wonderful sound was about to come out of his mouth.
We've had several good conversations, and I love how he challenges me to think things over, to dig deeper and to study things for myself, to deepen my relationship with the Lord. It's beautiful. He likes to write, and he writes beautiful songs, and also paints and does photography. He's a perfect gentleman and opens doors and such, which I love! I've never had somebody do that before!
All in all he's just a really sweet guy, who I like more every time I see. I just can't believe how blessed I am, because as I get to know him more I see more and more things that I've prayed for in a guy. He wants to be a minister and write. I really admire him, and I almost can't believe he likes me!!!
Over and out!
-

Thoughts to Share

Alright, so, I don't have anything in particular to post about today, I don't know, I just feel like throwing some stuff out there.
  How about this: I've been thinking a lot about this lately, Christians seem to have gotten terribly complacent, happy to have fun, make being Christians look exactly like being unbelievers, and judge the world, since we have it all figured out. I must say this: that's NOT cool. I spend a lot of my earlier years as a believer wasting time being complacent, reading my bible once in a great while and going to church for the social benefits. That is NOT enough! It's crazy. I've found that when you live your life for God, you really live life. God is SO good, and He WANTS to have a real, intimate relationship with us. He loves us like crazy, and how it must break His heart when we just go through the motions and ignore Him so we can comfortably live our lives. Just read Songs of Solomon, and you will get an idea of how incredibly much He loves us.
  He created us to be SO much more than this. He made us beautiful! Did you know God thinks we're gorgeous? He really does! Once again, read Songs of Solomon. He made us to live crazy full lives! Yet we want to sit in church and sip our Starbucks and listen to sermons that are nice, make us feel good and don't make anyone uncomfortable. We want to stay within the neat little lines contemporary Christianity has drawn for us, when it's not supposed to be like that at all! God made each of us unique, and He has relationships with each of us, and it's different with every person. And we were meant to get our hands dirty! We were meant to get out there and be His hands and feet, go out for Him! When God asked the heavens "Who will I send? Who will go for us?" then Isaiah jumped up and shouted "Here I am! Send me!"
Do we beg to go out for God and work for Him? Is that our passion? Is that where we find our meaning? In showing His love to the world? In going out and making disciples, instead of just church-going followers?
Please don't get me wrong, I love church, I especially love the worship, but church has become too much of an institution. We are His bride, His beloved. Do we act like it?
And how about this? I met a guy! A really nice one too! God is SO good to me! I met a guy at a swing dance who loves the Lord, who makes me think and challenges me to dig deeper into things, who is kind and gentlemanly and good with the younger siblings, who is insanely cute, and is just a really cool guys who shares some common interests! Updates shall come in regularly on this developement!
Goodnight all! God bless!

Meanderings, Totally Aimless, but Interesting Nontheless

  So, I'm not sure exactly what to write about... I've been having a dry spell lately. A dry spell of writing, that is. I suppose I could put down another one of my poems...

 Don't Worry, I Believe in You

You see the funky lights

That gradually eat up the path

And darkness presses up against the sides

Till you feel you will go daft.

As you step in each ring of light-

The way invisible otherwise-

You stare at each unfettered globe

And see choices you can't help but recognize.

One pulsing glow on your left

Is filled with an angry red

And you remember when you struck out at him

And the thoughts that wished him dead.

Another on your right

Throws out a joy-filled yellow

And inside you see the love you found

As it bounces gleefully like Jell-o.

But on your right again

The pain comes back to cast a sad blue ring

As you see where you had to put the love away

To do- always- the right thing.

And on and on they lights- they climb-

All the way past the bruised clouds it seems-

And you relive the choices made-

As your heart tries to get past your broken dreams.

But I know you-

And with a smile you'll keep clinging,

And you'll keep dancing ever on-

Making lights and always singing. 

   I have all sorts of stuff you can read, if you go to this link:  http://www.authornation.com/index.php?option=com_comprofiler&Itemid=99

Not too much is going on right now. It's memorial day weekend and I'm sitting at home. I did some serious Pilates today, and that felt really great. I REALLY need to get in shape for the summer, no joke.

  So my family has been going through the relatively short and uncomplicated (read sarcastically) process of getting licensed for foster adoption, and very soon, God willing, we will have a little tiny baby of our own. I am SO excited. I will not try to hide the fact that I love kids, but I especially LOVE babies. There is just something inside of me that thrills at being able to cuddle with a little baby, I love it, and I definitely am excited to someday have a family of my own.

  Speaking of family of my own, I do believe my mother is trying to marry me off here pretty soon. It makes me laugh. Today at church a man probably in his early to mid-twenties sang a song (beautifully, I might add) that he wrote himself. It was a wonderful, beautiful song, one you could tell was inspired by God. Afterwards my mom leaned towards me and whisperingly asked me if I liked red heads. I looked at her and then looked up at the stage and saw the man who sang and his bright orang-ey hair.

  "Mom!" I scolded, "the man must be like twenty five! Could you imagine dad's face if I brought someone home who's in his mid-twenties?"

  "Those are the good ones!" She argued back, quietly "they have a job and can give you a house and take care of you. You're not going to marry some eighteen year old boy."

  "Well, yeah," I said, "but it feels so weird, he just seems so old."

  Nothing was said again till the closing of the service, when mom leaned over again and said "I think he's married."

 I laughed and looked at her. "I wasn't even thinking about it anymore." She just laughed.

Then, when we had driven home and were getting out of the car mom grinned slyly at me and said, "I couldn't tell if he was married, I didn't get a close enough look." 

  All I could think to do was roll my eyes at this point. I might be a BIT more interested if I knew the man even a little bit! But all I knew was that he obviously had an incredible singing voice and wrote inspired songs. Geez.

 Honestly I'm not sure who to be interested in! There are lots of boys home from college, I just don't really know too many nice boys at church. I'm sure there are plenty, I just haven't met them. And it's just plain ol' hard to find nice boys, nice MEN, actually. I'm not too interested in BOYS. But here's what I'm looking for, an abbreviated list, at least: Totally in love/in tune with God, mature, patient, kind, steady, good with kids, not afraid of fun, or work, romantic, and of course, totally in love with me!

So you see why it's hard to find that person I've been looking for. But I will, it's just a matter of time. Honestly, I only know a couple guys like that, but God will provide, yeah?

Cheers!

Mo-Ti-Va-Tion

Ok, so yesterday, I did a killer workout. It was pretty good. Today, I can't bend over, move my arm or tilt sideways without agony. How am I supposed to do my workout again today? Gar, it hurts! It's really hard to be motivated to get to work, so I'm messing around on the computer. But I will do my workout, I will. My jeans are all getting tight, it's ridiculous. It's going to be the season of shorts and bathing suits soon, and I SHALL NOT be flabby. Don't worry, I don't want to be super skinny or anything, but toned and healthy is good. And can I just say to all you girls who slave away and starve so boys will look at your emaciated body with desire: any boy who likes a girl half-starved has some serious issues and is not a healthy love interest for you. Just sayin'.
So it's the end of may and barely sixty degrees from day to day! What's up with that? I want some sunshine! I want some serious warmth! It's usually good and hot by now! Just how I like it.
So, poem of the day:

The Summer Storm Inside My Dreams is Never as Real as it Seems

It's not like the sun

That always throws down hot, soft rays,

It's more like a storm

With drops of water beating down on your face.

And I know it's not like a summer day,

Unless it's a summer storm-

With lightening cracking, reaching down

To electrify the ones who mourn.

The thunder rolls right through me,

Liquefying my veins-

Letting all that's in me burst out in a flood

That makes a sea of faces and names.

It washes away and I know nothing at all

Besides the one for whom I storm,

And we drink the drops that bead on our smooth skin

And watch with awe as we both transform.

He's my lightening-

Crashing through me in pleasurable pain,

And I'm his  thunder- rolling after him-

Always singing with his refrain.

And it all flashes before 

My eyes-

The blue-white crack of electricity

That lights up the black velvet of the  skies.

The rain that falls like crystals

And runs like a finger down my skin-

The soft earth beneath my bare toes

And the knowledge that I can never win.

You held me close and I shattered

Like a million raindrops when you let go,

And I ran back together

Though I'll admit I was a little slow.

But I let you out in the flood that poured from inside my chest,

And now you're free to fly

And find the one for whom you flash

And let her thunder make you sigh.

And when I wake up I ache

Because I saw the lightening in my dreams

And thought I found the one

Who was all he ever seems.

But my storm is still lingering

On a horizon too far off

And I'll wait with upturned face

To catch the rain and hear the sky grandly moan and cough.

But you're still free to revel

In a storm of your own to find

And I'll wish the best with the raindrops

And hope your thunder's kind. 

And what kind of music does this girl like you might ask? Well, song of the day: John Mayer's "Free Fallin'". Look it up, listen to it, love it. I'll have a new song to educate you with each time I post.


~Cheers!

5 Min. Rant

I've got five minutes to write stuff down, since my mom made me set a timer for twenty measly minutes, and after I waited an hour to get on too, doesn't seem like an even exchange here.
So, I hate to be cliche, but who here reads My Life is Average? Isn't it great entertainment? When I don't have a good book, that's what I'll read.
So, I've been thinking about lifetime commitments lately. Namely, marriage. And how they're not so "life-time" anymore. What's the deal? I mean, I've been around some NASTY drama, with men cheating and abandoning their wives, wives cheating, abusive husbands, it's just so wrong. And, it scares me into being very picky about who I'm interested in. Honestly, I don't want to get stuck to someone who's going to rip my heart out and tear it to shreds. Way to ruin a life, or a couple, if you have kids. But at the same time, I really want to find that somebody that's perfect for me. Not "perfect," but perfect for me, you know?
That's my five minute rant.

Anyone Ever Noticed How Taco Seasoning Smells Like B.O From a Distance?

Alright, so- rant of the day: What is it with everyone wanting stuff figured out for them? I mean, I'll just be upfront so I don't have anyone biting my head off for being a hypocrite, I'm bad too, sometimes I just want the world to be made simple for me, but how lame is that? Where's the thrill of adventure, the seeking out of new knowledge, the thirst for unchartered territory? I've just graduated, and I have, quite literally, thousands of new opportunities waiting for me, countless doors begging to be opened!
So why do people want life served to them on a silver platter? It's like the kid rolling his eyes and loudly sighing when his mom tells him to look it up in the dictionary after him asking her what "facetious" means. (Can you tell I'm familiar with that kid?) We don't want to have to sweat for what we want, don't want to have to feel the burn in our calves to reach the top of the mountain. It's plain out ridiculous. So, true, life is short, but that should just mean we throw our all into it, instead of being safe and not making any waves. We should ask the hard questions, google how to fax a paper, instead of asking your dad to do it, run an extra mile when your lungs feel like they'll burst, jump out of that airplane, tell that person your beliefs, risk your heart, stop to pick up that person that just fell down. Come on, it's not rocket science people, and I'm talking to myself just as much as anyone else.
And so I'll take my own advice, which, actually, probably came from my dad.
Here you go, I believe God loves me. I believe Jesus died for me. I believe we're to love EVERYONE, no matter the race, belief, gender, or sexual preference, just as Jesus loves us. I believe that while we should love everyone, that doesn't mean we should accept everything that everyone does or believes, because, come on, we can't all be right. I believe that most churches, at least in this country, that I've been to, are whacked, and priorities and focus are all skewed.
So how's that? Sorry if I stepped on any toes, but you're all entitled to your beliefs, and I'm entitled to mine.
So, let's jump on it, eh? How about we take those risks. When I die, I want to be known as someone who showed real love to those she met, and lived life so full, that if it was any more full, it would explode.
What about you?

My First Entry...

Ok, so, I really should be going to bed, but first I need to take a shower, and I'm just trying to get up the energy to do that.

Lately I seem to be stuck in this awful loop going on in my head where I relive all the sweet tender moments of the one time I was in love, and then wish it had lasted. And after six months I just wish I could get over it all, you know? I mean, I guess it makes sense, I once told J that I'd wait for him forever, as much as that might make you want to gag, so I guess six months isn't all that ridiculous of a period to still be pathetically pining over some guy who dumped you like month old fish.

I guess I'm just scared I won't find that again, because I can't stop comparing the guys who like me to this one dude. And how sick and masochistic is that? I've settled once afterward, and it made it easier to not think so much about J, but it was screwed up, and it's ended. And I've turned down guys, because I know they're not what I'm looking for. I just don't want to settle for something that's not real, you know? And I'm not stringing some guy along when I know it won't last, it's not fair to him, nor I. It's just wrong.

Sometimes though, when your heart hurts and you just want to be held, it's hard to hold on. It really is. But I won't settle for anything other than real love.

I'm a poet, so of course I wrote a poem, I like it, and I guess that's all that matters, but if you like it as well, feel free to let me know, since I like the ego boost:

It's called:

Love is NOT Monopoly

I had a love- only once-

But I know now what it is

And I see the face of what I long for.

And I can wait

And wait

And wait

And I shall wait until I find that love again

And I won't play games with what won't last.

I had a love-

Only a half-year ago-

It seems like ages-

And the love left me and was no longer

The love it was.

I had a love-

And I'll have one again-

But for now I only look

For the face I once saw-

Just with a different skin.

I'm sorry you're not that love-

Nor you-

Or you, or you.

But you deserve your own love-

So I will let you look again.

I can wait forever-

Because love-

It lasts twice that- at least-

And I won't stop until I know it's love

And I won't ever let it go.

Like I said, I think it's good, or I never would have shared it, but maybe I'm just narcissistic. Who knows these things?

Anyway, so, I hope my ranting maybe gave someone out there that "Holy cow! I know JUST what she means! I'm not alone!" kind of warm, fuzzy feeling. If so, I can sleep with myself tonight.

Cheers, y'all.