Meanderings, Totally Aimless, but Interesting Nontheless

  So, I'm not sure exactly what to write about... I've been having a dry spell lately. A dry spell of writing, that is. I suppose I could put down another one of my poems...

 Don't Worry, I Believe in You

You see the funky lights

That gradually eat up the path

And darkness presses up against the sides

Till you feel you will go daft.

As you step in each ring of light-

The way invisible otherwise-

You stare at each unfettered globe

And see choices you can't help but recognize.

One pulsing glow on your left

Is filled with an angry red

And you remember when you struck out at him

And the thoughts that wished him dead.

Another on your right

Throws out a joy-filled yellow

And inside you see the love you found

As it bounces gleefully like Jell-o.

But on your right again

The pain comes back to cast a sad blue ring

As you see where you had to put the love away

To do- always- the right thing.

And on and on they lights- they climb-

All the way past the bruised clouds it seems-

And you relive the choices made-

As your heart tries to get past your broken dreams.

But I know you-

And with a smile you'll keep clinging,

And you'll keep dancing ever on-

Making lights and always singing. 

   I have all sorts of stuff you can read, if you go to this link:  http://www.authornation.com/index.php?option=com_comprofiler&Itemid=99

Not too much is going on right now. It's memorial day weekend and I'm sitting at home. I did some serious Pilates today, and that felt really great. I REALLY need to get in shape for the summer, no joke.

  So my family has been going through the relatively short and uncomplicated (read sarcastically) process of getting licensed for foster adoption, and very soon, God willing, we will have a little tiny baby of our own. I am SO excited. I will not try to hide the fact that I love kids, but I especially LOVE babies. There is just something inside of me that thrills at being able to cuddle with a little baby, I love it, and I definitely am excited to someday have a family of my own.

  Speaking of family of my own, I do believe my mother is trying to marry me off here pretty soon. It makes me laugh. Today at church a man probably in his early to mid-twenties sang a song (beautifully, I might add) that he wrote himself. It was a wonderful, beautiful song, one you could tell was inspired by God. Afterwards my mom leaned towards me and whisperingly asked me if I liked red heads. I looked at her and then looked up at the stage and saw the man who sang and his bright orang-ey hair.

  "Mom!" I scolded, "the man must be like twenty five! Could you imagine dad's face if I brought someone home who's in his mid-twenties?"

  "Those are the good ones!" She argued back, quietly "they have a job and can give you a house and take care of you. You're not going to marry some eighteen year old boy."

  "Well, yeah," I said, "but it feels so weird, he just seems so old."

  Nothing was said again till the closing of the service, when mom leaned over again and said "I think he's married."

 I laughed and looked at her. "I wasn't even thinking about it anymore." She just laughed.

Then, when we had driven home and were getting out of the car mom grinned slyly at me and said, "I couldn't tell if he was married, I didn't get a close enough look." 

  All I could think to do was roll my eyes at this point. I might be a BIT more interested if I knew the man even a little bit! But all I knew was that he obviously had an incredible singing voice and wrote inspired songs. Geez.

 Honestly I'm not sure who to be interested in! There are lots of boys home from college, I just don't really know too many nice boys at church. I'm sure there are plenty, I just haven't met them. And it's just plain ol' hard to find nice boys, nice MEN, actually. I'm not too interested in BOYS. But here's what I'm looking for, an abbreviated list, at least: Totally in love/in tune with God, mature, patient, kind, steady, good with kids, not afraid of fun, or work, romantic, and of course, totally in love with me!

So you see why it's hard to find that person I've been looking for. But I will, it's just a matter of time. Honestly, I only know a couple guys like that, but God will provide, yeah?

Cheers!

Mo-Ti-Va-Tion

Ok, so yesterday, I did a killer workout. It was pretty good. Today, I can't bend over, move my arm or tilt sideways without agony. How am I supposed to do my workout again today? Gar, it hurts! It's really hard to be motivated to get to work, so I'm messing around on the computer. But I will do my workout, I will. My jeans are all getting tight, it's ridiculous. It's going to be the season of shorts and bathing suits soon, and I SHALL NOT be flabby. Don't worry, I don't want to be super skinny or anything, but toned and healthy is good. And can I just say to all you girls who slave away and starve so boys will look at your emaciated body with desire: any boy who likes a girl half-starved has some serious issues and is not a healthy love interest for you. Just sayin'.
So it's the end of may and barely sixty degrees from day to day! What's up with that? I want some sunshine! I want some serious warmth! It's usually good and hot by now! Just how I like it.
So, poem of the day:

The Summer Storm Inside My Dreams is Never as Real as it Seems

It's not like the sun

That always throws down hot, soft rays,

It's more like a storm

With drops of water beating down on your face.

And I know it's not like a summer day,

Unless it's a summer storm-

With lightening cracking, reaching down

To electrify the ones who mourn.

The thunder rolls right through me,

Liquefying my veins-

Letting all that's in me burst out in a flood

That makes a sea of faces and names.

It washes away and I know nothing at all

Besides the one for whom I storm,

And we drink the drops that bead on our smooth skin

And watch with awe as we both transform.

He's my lightening-

Crashing through me in pleasurable pain,

And I'm his  thunder- rolling after him-

Always singing with his refrain.

And it all flashes before 

My eyes-

The blue-white crack of electricity

That lights up the black velvet of the  skies.

The rain that falls like crystals

And runs like a finger down my skin-

The soft earth beneath my bare toes

And the knowledge that I can never win.

You held me close and I shattered

Like a million raindrops when you let go,

And I ran back together

Though I'll admit I was a little slow.

But I let you out in the flood that poured from inside my chest,

And now you're free to fly

And find the one for whom you flash

And let her thunder make you sigh.

And when I wake up I ache

Because I saw the lightening in my dreams

And thought I found the one

Who was all he ever seems.

But my storm is still lingering

On a horizon too far off

And I'll wait with upturned face

To catch the rain and hear the sky grandly moan and cough.

But you're still free to revel

In a storm of your own to find

And I'll wish the best with the raindrops

And hope your thunder's kind. 

And what kind of music does this girl like you might ask? Well, song of the day: John Mayer's "Free Fallin'". Look it up, listen to it, love it. I'll have a new song to educate you with each time I post.


~Cheers!

5 Min. Rant

I've got five minutes to write stuff down, since my mom made me set a timer for twenty measly minutes, and after I waited an hour to get on too, doesn't seem like an even exchange here.
So, I hate to be cliche, but who here reads My Life is Average? Isn't it great entertainment? When I don't have a good book, that's what I'll read.
So, I've been thinking about lifetime commitments lately. Namely, marriage. And how they're not so "life-time" anymore. What's the deal? I mean, I've been around some NASTY drama, with men cheating and abandoning their wives, wives cheating, abusive husbands, it's just so wrong. And, it scares me into being very picky about who I'm interested in. Honestly, I don't want to get stuck to someone who's going to rip my heart out and tear it to shreds. Way to ruin a life, or a couple, if you have kids. But at the same time, I really want to find that somebody that's perfect for me. Not "perfect," but perfect for me, you know?
That's my five minute rant.

Anyone Ever Noticed How Taco Seasoning Smells Like B.O From a Distance?

Alright, so- rant of the day: What is it with everyone wanting stuff figured out for them? I mean, I'll just be upfront so I don't have anyone biting my head off for being a hypocrite, I'm bad too, sometimes I just want the world to be made simple for me, but how lame is that? Where's the thrill of adventure, the seeking out of new knowledge, the thirst for unchartered territory? I've just graduated, and I have, quite literally, thousands of new opportunities waiting for me, countless doors begging to be opened!
So why do people want life served to them on a silver platter? It's like the kid rolling his eyes and loudly sighing when his mom tells him to look it up in the dictionary after him asking her what "facetious" means. (Can you tell I'm familiar with that kid?) We don't want to have to sweat for what we want, don't want to have to feel the burn in our calves to reach the top of the mountain. It's plain out ridiculous. So, true, life is short, but that should just mean we throw our all into it, instead of being safe and not making any waves. We should ask the hard questions, google how to fax a paper, instead of asking your dad to do it, run an extra mile when your lungs feel like they'll burst, jump out of that airplane, tell that person your beliefs, risk your heart, stop to pick up that person that just fell down. Come on, it's not rocket science people, and I'm talking to myself just as much as anyone else.
And so I'll take my own advice, which, actually, probably came from my dad.
Here you go, I believe God loves me. I believe Jesus died for me. I believe we're to love EVERYONE, no matter the race, belief, gender, or sexual preference, just as Jesus loves us. I believe that while we should love everyone, that doesn't mean we should accept everything that everyone does or believes, because, come on, we can't all be right. I believe that most churches, at least in this country, that I've been to, are whacked, and priorities and focus are all skewed.
So how's that? Sorry if I stepped on any toes, but you're all entitled to your beliefs, and I'm entitled to mine.
So, let's jump on it, eh? How about we take those risks. When I die, I want to be known as someone who showed real love to those she met, and lived life so full, that if it was any more full, it would explode.
What about you?

My First Entry...

Ok, so, I really should be going to bed, but first I need to take a shower, and I'm just trying to get up the energy to do that.

Lately I seem to be stuck in this awful loop going on in my head where I relive all the sweet tender moments of the one time I was in love, and then wish it had lasted. And after six months I just wish I could get over it all, you know? I mean, I guess it makes sense, I once told J that I'd wait for him forever, as much as that might make you want to gag, so I guess six months isn't all that ridiculous of a period to still be pathetically pining over some guy who dumped you like month old fish.

I guess I'm just scared I won't find that again, because I can't stop comparing the guys who like me to this one dude. And how sick and masochistic is that? I've settled once afterward, and it made it easier to not think so much about J, but it was screwed up, and it's ended. And I've turned down guys, because I know they're not what I'm looking for. I just don't want to settle for something that's not real, you know? And I'm not stringing some guy along when I know it won't last, it's not fair to him, nor I. It's just wrong.

Sometimes though, when your heart hurts and you just want to be held, it's hard to hold on. It really is. But I won't settle for anything other than real love.

I'm a poet, so of course I wrote a poem, I like it, and I guess that's all that matters, but if you like it as well, feel free to let me know, since I like the ego boost:

It's called:

Love is NOT Monopoly

I had a love- only once-

But I know now what it is

And I see the face of what I long for.

And I can wait

And wait

And wait

And I shall wait until I find that love again

And I won't play games with what won't last.

I had a love-

Only a half-year ago-

It seems like ages-

And the love left me and was no longer

The love it was.

I had a love-

And I'll have one again-

But for now I only look

For the face I once saw-

Just with a different skin.

I'm sorry you're not that love-

Nor you-

Or you, or you.

But you deserve your own love-

So I will let you look again.

I can wait forever-

Because love-

It lasts twice that- at least-

And I won't stop until I know it's love

And I won't ever let it go.

Like I said, I think it's good, or I never would have shared it, but maybe I'm just narcissistic. Who knows these things?

Anyway, so, I hope my ranting maybe gave someone out there that "Holy cow! I know JUST what she means! I'm not alone!" kind of warm, fuzzy feeling. If so, I can sleep with myself tonight.

Cheers, y'all.