My First Entry...

Ok, so, I really should be going to bed, but first I need to take a shower, and I'm just trying to get up the energy to do that.

Lately I seem to be stuck in this awful loop going on in my head where I relive all the sweet tender moments of the one time I was in love, and then wish it had lasted. And after six months I just wish I could get over it all, you know? I mean, I guess it makes sense, I once told J that I'd wait for him forever, as much as that might make you want to gag, so I guess six months isn't all that ridiculous of a period to still be pathetically pining over some guy who dumped you like month old fish.

I guess I'm just scared I won't find that again, because I can't stop comparing the guys who like me to this one dude. And how sick and masochistic is that? I've settled once afterward, and it made it easier to not think so much about J, but it was screwed up, and it's ended. And I've turned down guys, because I know they're not what I'm looking for. I just don't want to settle for something that's not real, you know? And I'm not stringing some guy along when I know it won't last, it's not fair to him, nor I. It's just wrong.

Sometimes though, when your heart hurts and you just want to be held, it's hard to hold on. It really is. But I won't settle for anything other than real love.

I'm a poet, so of course I wrote a poem, I like it, and I guess that's all that matters, but if you like it as well, feel free to let me know, since I like the ego boost:

It's called:

Love is NOT Monopoly

I had a love- only once-

But I know now what it is

And I see the face of what I long for.

And I can wait

And wait

And wait

And I shall wait until I find that love again

And I won't play games with what won't last.

I had a love-

Only a half-year ago-

It seems like ages-

And the love left me and was no longer

The love it was.

I had a love-

And I'll have one again-

But for now I only look

For the face I once saw-

Just with a different skin.

I'm sorry you're not that love-

Nor you-

Or you, or you.

But you deserve your own love-

So I will let you look again.

I can wait forever-

Because love-

It lasts twice that- at least-

And I won't stop until I know it's love

And I won't ever let it go.

Like I said, I think it's good, or I never would have shared it, but maybe I'm just narcissistic. Who knows these things?

Anyway, so, I hope my ranting maybe gave someone out there that "Holy cow! I know JUST what she means! I'm not alone!" kind of warm, fuzzy feeling. If so, I can sleep with myself tonight.

Cheers, y'all.